People may have their own pathway to success. At least they are doing something to achieve it. They may have their perspectives on defining success. It can be sending parents to Mekkah, have financial security, build a family, doing dream job, so on and so forth.

Me personally, do not really know how to define success. I came from a family who has 10 children, composed mostly by women that live in a conservative ways, growing up and marry to a man, and rely everything to their man. So, no feminism, no woman independence, they just live their normal life as a conservative.

Me on the other hand, living one place to another place. I was born in Garut as Sundanesse people, but only until my 6th grade of elementary school. The time after that, I've been moving one place to another. Seeking the truth of life by myself. Finding the true me.

Seeing success at my elementary time was, I don't know. If I had to remember, I did not have dreams. I just played mini-football and falling into it so much. I did not say I wanted to be a Pilot, doctors, like everyone else. I just felt, I wanted to have freedom of smoking and playing football. Yes, I started smoking cigarette since I was 10 at 4th grade of elementary. I never had the chance to actually feel the pleasure of smoking it, because every time I did that, so many worries that people would notice me, and report it to my parents. So, I needed freedom.

Going to Junior high school, didn't really change anything. I still lived the way I used to live. still smoking. I didn't want something in particular, I just wanted to live thoroughly, and peacefully. I was very badass at that time, I still remember punching my friend because he was not solid and hide something where he suppose to tell the other yet apparently he wasn't so I punched him right in the face and later followed by the rest of my friends to do the same. Something like provocation.

So many stories has been shed to color my life in my junior high. Moments to remember, but nothing from the memory talking about success. Like literally nothing. I even slept while class starting, put up desks and chairs to make a temporary bed for me to sleep while the teacher explaining the materials. Its ordinary at that time. Passing national exam by the help of cheating-god-sheet.

If you ask me the exam score, you wouldn't believe that my score on average is 90 something except Bahasa Indonesia that later I found out I was using the wrong answer sheet. If you were same age with me, you know that in 2011, the first national exam that consist of several different question packages. So I picked the wrong answer sheet.

Then, out of sudden, with the miracle and grace of the God, I had full scholarship continuing my Senior High School. Thats the point where I had a dream that my future would not end up the same like my other relatives, or live in a conservative ways. Yet, this had to break because it turned out that I was the dumbest student. 99% of subjects I took was remedial. I was really stressful, then I found love to atleast calm me down for a bit.

I won't talk about how I did find the love at that time, because simply its not the context for this writing.

I had a progressive proccess. Learning and studying, rarely had a chance to join organization or the student clubs. I was busy renovating myself to be better. Turned out I had chance to join AS Level, if you never heard of it, its a kinda international curiculum where at the end you will have the test originally designed by Cambridge University in Cambridge. So, it was a precious priviledge I had, but I failed. all of them. I didn't know why, but yah I failed.

I had never cheated in Senior High. like literally never. That was I really proud of until now. I had dream to pursue higher education in fine state university like UI or ITB, yet I didn't really convinced what major I should take. All tests I took, but I failed all. I ended up studying in the quite brand new university that still curated and organized by the same foundation that gave me scholarship. I was not in scholarship in University, but rather took a student loan to assist my higher education. In the middle of the time, I resigned from the university because I feel pressured living in that university, and I couldn't endure it.

Three months after resigned, I join my friend's company. and exactly after a year working, I had a chance to continue my university to complete my studies. Different institution of course, so I have a new life in a new environment.

Ever since I failed most of the time, I just want to live my life. Fulfilling myself in a decent way. Not to high nor to low, I just keep it balance. When I write this one, I am currently working part time, and still in the process of pursuing my bachelor degree and do not have particular aim or objectives, or target, or whatever the term is, I just want my life, so so.

Why I say its unfinished writing, because I dont know, tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, or next week, next month, is going to happen. It could be pleasant or the other way around. So, this will always be unfinished until I know what and how to define my own success.

..........to be continued.