I don't know if I am being melancholic or whatever the term is, clearly I want to say myself is a guy, definitely. No, no, no. I mean the poor weak guy that been really hard to just say No.

I've been reading motivational videos, articles, letter, zodiac astronomy and stuff as the one who categorise himself as Aries, should start prioritizing something that should be and learn to say No to things that don't really fit with my heart.
I'm not sure I am Aries or any other typical fortune starts, but I was born in April.

I am not saying I believe in those silly shit that advise someone to follow certain rule, just because I am categorized as one of the zodiac people. yet I just wanna say it somehow is true about what they wrote in those articles I read.

so many moments appear to me and give option to choose. Simply, I frequently do things that I don't really into just because I am afraid to being self-blamed, or afraid that I disappoint people. Thats why I most likely always says Yes. It so freakingly contrast to what I always tell people, we are not meant to please all people. In reality, I am the one who is drowning here.

It's been really hard to just say No. Like I always put other's people affair above my personal stuff. The feeling of "Gak enakan" always comes when I face the moments that asks me to do something for them.

I am always afraid, always be. I don't know why. Who I should blame then?

Sometimes, I get stressed out just thinking about this. I am just..... a follower. Afraid to step out from my zone that clearly put me in the invisible cage. I don't say its comfort zone, but the feeling "gak enakan" itself that force me to live the life I am now in.

like, I always surrender to the battle and let other people claim these victories. I please them so that they would have their trophies and I remain sit in the hot chair in the slum hole in the corner of the country.

And the black side of me that, I am a jerk who express my disappointment to the people I love. some kind of rollercoaster mood. I don't know what this jerk character would lead me to.

August 3rd, 2018. 12.52 AM