If we were close by
How do you see a couple that means to be together?
Does it have to be determined by how long the relationship has been? Does the face have to be similar, nearly complete one another, or we can feel some of their specific organs match each other? or what could it be?
I speak my heart out tonight.
Looking back to my journals, my old writings that have the detail date in it, reminiscing memories and feeling while I wrote it, I think I had a feeling that love was perfect. No matter what had happened back at that time, we still managed to come back to the same place.
If you ever read some twits around your timeline, saying the guy that being pissed off by his friend whom every day his friend argued with his girlfriend, and every day keep resulting in the same "break up" but the next day they completely were happy as if nothing had happened the day before. That would probably how my friends felt every time they asked me what's going on after hanging up a phone call from my girlfriend and the next day we become the lover birds who explore new land of happiness.
Every time we argue, we fight, we always come back to the place we used to be.
And tonight, there is something I realized while keeping my routine work at the office. If we were close by.
We had parted our ways once we went to college for the first time, I mean, the first time we had to live a long-distance life. The only date we went was through night call and video call after class. Until one day, we fought hard, argue intensely, and we parted ways by parting each other hearts. We broke up.
We felt something is not right and something slowly felt disappearing during this long-distance life. We felt, we only fed our ego and trying to survive from our own problems. We couldn't fulfill each other wants in terms of relationship, so the only thing left was fighting and arguing who should change to make everything work.
And we agreed, this only happening when we communicate through gadget, not in person. We thought how beautiful it would be if we were next to each other, leaning shoulders when our minds and body went through shit the whole day, sharing what made us happy during the daylight, and what dishes would we make for the next breakfast and lunch together. If we were close by.
We were aware that the problem and what could have we done to prevent another broke up.
The "broke up" last for nearly one year after that happened. During the year I was alone, many things happened. I couldn't help myself to stop thinking about her every time when I was alone. It appeared I had weekdays to study and fun, yet weekend I found myself feeling cold of the loneliness and the only thing in my head was how to start a conversation with her.
And yeah, after several attempts and many lonely nights, I crystal clearly remember how I managed to chat her again for the first time after breaking up. I wanted to make things work like it used to, and I knew the only thing we kept fighting over and over again was because of our distance that blocks our hearts to feel each other's arm.
After that one chat, we started to get along, sharing what we went through during the months we were parted. Until one day, we met again and didn't hesitate to express honesty with each other. We were back, and things get back to normal as a couple. But again, we still have to fight for several years until we graduated college, and in the meantime, we still had to face the reality to undergo this long-distance relationship.
What made the difference was we committed to visiting each other on the date we have set. Sometimes, we were tired of having a useless conversation that leads to unintended fights and arguments. We would realize that we had to make a big deal just from the single thing that didn't completely matter. Small talks lead to big fights. I don't know how many times we shouted break up after a single tiny thing. Those things would never have happened if we were close by.
Strangely, every moment I had arguments with her, it never lasts for more than an hour or two. I had a short temper but felt regret exactly afterward. So, the broke up was never any of my intentions. I always think that those useless fights and arguments have happened because we weren't talking and communicating in person.
I always imagine the sweet thing if we were closer, sitting next to each other, enjoying the foods we ordered, holding hands while exploring the shops we never intend to buy the products from, lining up for two Chatime milk tea, enjoying the afternoon with two hot caramel macchiato at Starbucks, and get through the traffic jam with the bike with small talks along the way. I could imagine her chin touch my back shoulders while her hands sneaking into my jacket's pocket while I drive her home.
If we were just living close to each other, our life and our relationship would only draw a sweet memory and happiness.
But after years battling with college and a long-distance relationship, she finally managed to graduate and landed a job. It was worth the wait, and the time. But the long-distance relationship keeps going on when I knew the place she's working for is still far away from my sight.
But yeah, things get worked out as we face new titles, new age, new environment, and new things to think about. As we both have jobs to do, bills to pay, we didn't pay real attention to what the essence of having another long-distance relationship. We only focus on our job and felt so much insecure of how if we lose it out of sudden. The only thing that we could celebrate when we meet up is we could do whatever we won with our money. That's it. The only talks we value the most is how we would be able to manage and plan what we want for our future.
And yeah, that didn't last long, the new job, the new environment was meant to be a new life, at least for her. I didn't prepare for what's coming after we both landed into a job and professional life to our relationship.
The days go by, a lot of things had happened out of our control. Everything changed. It leads to something even bigger and painful for both of us.
We felt our relationship doesn't relevant to what we are working on and always resulted in a dead-end for both of us. Nothing could change anything any longer. And we came to realize what we are after. The answer is not our relationship.
Surprisingly, now we are much closer in terms of physical distance, but so much far away in terms of feeling. I've come to realize the longest distance was not the distance itself, but the hearts we put into, the feelings, and the visions we built together while maintaining the same frequency to complete one another.
"If we were close by" is not relevant any longer.
No matter how close we are, I can't change the fact she is building an invisible wall between us that longer than the distance we have endured for the last couple of years.
No matter how far we are separated, as long as we have the same goals and frequencies that would work for the best, I think that much better other than we live in the same roof but our hearts were divided.
But you see, the change we face contains a lot of efforts, hurts, and processes to go through, at least for me. I can't hide the feeling of missing someone even the arguing and fighting parts. I can't hide the feeling of trying so hard to let it slip for once but I couldn't at all. Nothing I can do if I knew for sure, we are far more so distance than we used to back then.
I would shout probably "I miss you, I am sorry" to her out of the blue, but that won't even change a tiny part of our life. One of the processes I have to endure to realize that maybe we weren't meant to be together even after so many things we have been going through. Not to mentions how long we were in relationships, or how similar our face that could complete one another.
